In the last blog, we talked about being mindful of your judgment. This time, we’re going to explore how that can impact your relationships.
When something happens that you don’t like—clean laundry doesn’t get folded, dirty dishes aren’t washed, etc.—try stopping yourself before, or even during, the judgment process.
By stopping the dialogue in your own mind and saying, “How could I answer this in a manner that isn’t my usual freak-out way?” you can completely change the situation.
Stop your habitual reaction and think, “I’m going to put that reaction and emotion over here. I know I can do that, but it won’t get me where I want to go. So, instead I’m going to explain the situation in a very calm way, talk out a solution, and then go about my business without any freak-out or big drama.”
When we do that with people it diffuses the bomb that’s about to go off between us. If you’re calm, will your partner escalate the problem? Likely not. And when they don’t, everything just gets diffused.
The bulk of the problem when I work with couples is the reaction to different things, be it laundry, dishes, or the other person not pulling his / her weight. It may appear to you that he / she doesn’t value the same things as you because he / she can watch tv with unfolded laundry sitting by him / her on the bed. But later, he / she may fuss about undone dishes in the kitchen.
That behaviour tells me that your partner also values neatness. So, in other words, you both share that preference.
But when you saw your partner watching TV, the feeling was, “Why does he / she get to do what he / she wants to do and I don’t?”
Well, you’re the only one that dictates what you do. So, if you want to watch TV, crawl on the bed and watch it with him / her. It’s the perfect solution because now you don’t have to resent your partner’s choices. And by not setting off a bomb between you, both of you get a little downtime to rest and rebuild your energy. Or, have a conversation and see if your partner can get behind getting the work done before watching TV together – whatever works for both of you.
Relationships are self-adjusting if there is love between a couple. A little rest now might mean you help each other with dishes and laundry later. But a fight now robs both of you of energy and enjoyment.
Some Helpful Options