Have you ever felt alone in life?
Laura, one of my clients, certainly did. (Name changed for privacy.)
Laura was such a neat woman, but despite being part of a group that existed to support each member, she seemed to have no support or friendship.
When she came to me for a session, it quickly became clear that not only was she alone in a support group, she seemed that way in her entire life.
Laura’s marriage was distant; he did his thing and she hers. Her children treated her with a lot of disrespect and generally seemed uninterested in her.
In short, her relationships were a mess.
I tell you this story because many people experience variations on this theme. And most people believe the problem is ‘out there’ in the people that don’t treat her with a lot of respect.
In fact, most people would go for marriage counseling as well as family counseling to shift things around – and they would be great things to do. She will understand things differently, be taught new behaviors and so too will the others. But what I know of this – it’s slow, tedious and people are resistant to change. So solutions are often less than spectacular.
It may be a hard pill to swallow but here is another way of seeing it: her life is a mirror to what is going on INSIDE HER. The fact that the primary people in her life – namely her husband and children – consistently treat her with disrespect or indifference, and that the outside world also does the same, it tells me she has a belief inside her that she is not worthy of love and respect.
A more complete transformation becomes possible for her when she begins to entertain the idea that her MIND is creating a problem for her – and her family and outside group are a reflection of it. This is a REALLY BIG DEAL! We are so trained to think it’s the world that has to change because it’s the world that is malfunctioning in our opinion.
But the more empowering and truthful understanding is to say ‘this is happening to me so somehow it is in me and I need to figure this out! The moment you do that, you are behind the driver’s wheel of your life. Only you can change YOU. But the good news is, if changing YOU also changes your experience of the world, then you have just reclaimed your power and control over YOUR world! Fabulous!
Laura did just that and came to see me for a Mindful Change session. Right away, things shifted with her and her husband. Instead of continuing the antagonistic and distant relationship she had with him, she was able to engage her husband in meaningful conversation that allowed them to move forward as a couple.
It was AMAZING… the moment Laura shifted her emotions and thinking, she found a new motivation to find the solution for what was happening with her husband. That resolution continues today and their relationship is much healthier.
But Laura’s transformation didn’t stop there…
We worked together for another two Mindful Change processes. It was after these that her relationship with her children started changing. Instead of apathy, indifference, and disrespect, they formed friendships and bonded in a way that continues today.
And that support group she was a part of? Suddenly people in the group were responding to her, appreciating her, and respecting her in a way she hadn’t experienced before.
Laura’s “alone” experience isn’t unique.
You see, we mirror the feelings we have about ourselves in the relationships we have with others. If we believe there is a reason why we are unworthy and unlovable — if we carry a judgement about ourselves or feel shame deep within for any reason — these feelings will show up in our relationships.
When it comes to family, that mirroring is even more prominent.
So my question to you in closing is this. Where are you feeling victimized in life and who or what is to blame? Take back your power and see it as a reflection of you!
And if you feel stuck about how to accomplish this, send me an email at heather@mindfulchange.com or call me at 613.601.1083, and we’ll set up a 30-minute discovery session.
“In every conceivable manner, the family is a link to our past, bridge to our future.”
~Alex Haley