Relationship fights feel awful, don’t they?

Fights rob energy, beat on your emotions, break down meaningful conversations, and seldom solve anything. They often put a wedge between you and your partner…ironically leading to more fights.

But what if I told you that relationship fights are a symptom of two unconscious belief patterns battling it out?

You’re using the beliefs your family taught you about relationships while your partner is using the beliefs he or she learned as a child. Since you grew up in different families, the two sets of beliefs are different…but each of you thinks your way is “right” and the only way.

…and so, you fight. And along the way, you both feel emotional pain, anger, betrayal, and confusion that the person you love is behaving the way they are.

What would happen if you stopped, genuinely tried to understand your partner’s beliefs and viewpoint? What if you questioned your own beliefs and motives about the subject of your fight as intensely as you question your partner’s?

And then, once you understand where both of you are coming from…

What if, instead of deciding who is right and who is wrong, you looked for a solution that is loving for both of you — a solution that supports both of you?

You don’t win relationship fights by tearing down your partner, yelling your way to reluctant agreement, or withholding love and support. Those are all acts of fear.

You win when you act out of love for yourself and your partner, when disagreements are resolved because you both have a greater understanding of each other and yourselves.

Now, I’m not saying that’s easy. You might have learned a passive-aggressive approach to relationships from your family instead of a healthy relationship approach. Your partner might have learned an “always give in and put the needs of your partner over yours or they won’t love you” approach. Regardless of the approach you learned, you’ve been using it for years. The problem is that it’s been giving you the same results for years.

The approach you learned is a lot like a computer program — the beliefs, approach, or “programming” you use in any given situation will give you nearly the same results each time you use it, regardless of other functions you wish it had…and it will keep doing that until you update it, rewrite it, or realize that it isn’t the right program for the job.

If you want to stop fighting, it’s time for a different approach.

If you aren’t sure where to start, wonder if your relationship is even savable, or just need a little help, send me an email at or call me at 613.601.1083, and we’ll set up a 30-minute discovery session.

I love this quote:

“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”
~Gautama Buddha

We may have to walk the path ourselves, but others can help us find the way, clear the underbrush, and make the journey easier. I’m always here if you need me: or 613.601.1083.