Any relationship can go off the rails sometimes. If you’re with someone long enough, there will be ups and downs, times you disagree, times you are closer than you ever imagined, and times of experiencing growing pains. If your relationship isn’t currently in a “honeymoon phase,” it’s okay.
When I work with a couple, the norm is that they share that things started well but eventually broke down to the point of name calling and a lack of respect. Things get said by or to someone you love that are hurtful and damaging to the partnership.
If you find yourself at that point, is the relationship beyond saving?
If physical violence and abuse are present, the answer is yes. Get out and get safe. Beyond that, you might be surprised at how good things can once again be.
How?
If you want to have a great relationship, you have to choose where you’re going to live. I don’t mean the physical address. I’m talking about where you’re going to let your mental focus remain.
The odds are high that the person you fell in love with is still at least 90% the same person. There’s 10% that isn’t what you expected, might have said mean things, treated you unkindly, disrespected you, or otherwise failed to live up to your idea of perfection.
When you focus on the 10% to the extent that it’s 90% of what you see, feel, and think about your partner, that’s when relationships tank.
What you focus on will expand. So, if you’re keeping your focus on the negative parts, fostering them, nurturing them, helping them grow to gigantic heights in your head, and expecting the negative stuff to express, that’s what will happen.
Fortunately, the same is true if you focus on the positive—it will grow, expand, and express.
Allow Love
If you love someone and they tell you that they no longer want to do something, then you need to respect that. Who are you to say that your partner needs to suck it up or demand that they behave a certain way?
That is something I practice with my husband. If something is important to him, then I need to give him the space to choose what is right for him. Allowing someone is a form of love. And when you allow someone, you express that you trust that they love you.
When you give someone space and let them feel your trust, they realize that they don’t have to fight. They realize that you love them, they feel the love they have for you, and they soften.
What a lot of people don’t realize is that if we fight and demand our rights less often, love will sort things out fairly quickly. Pour love on the situation. Remember to love and be grateful for your partner.
And remember that you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. Even if your partner begins escalating toward a disagreement, you can choose to see love first and avoid jumping immediately to their motive. Come back to the subject when things are calm and you’ve had time to approach it with love and understanding.
If your relationship is off the rails, decide where you’re going to live and what you’re going to foster. If you want it to work, trust that your partner loves you, and show that trust by allowing them to be who they are.
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