If you’ve ever been in a relationship and asked yourself, “Do I stay or do I go?” you know just how hard that decision can be.
Why is it so hard?
There are several reasons.
A relationship is something that people build over time. It’s like a habit and a routine that you expand every day that you’re involved in it.
The longer the relationship has lasted, the bigger your connection to being a part of that relationship. It becomes an extension of your identity…even if it’s not healthy
Over time you stop being just ‘you’ and become an ‘us’ — and that includes your life, your family, the friends you have, the activities you do — and all of it becomes attached to your identity
So separating from this ‘expanded identity’ becomes difficult. If you go, you’re leaving ‘all of it’ – not just the other person and your relationship with him or her.
Even if you’re completely okay with leaving the other person, separating from your life and all that is in it becomes problematic.
And that’s the biggest reason people have trouble separating. They’re uprooting the life they’ve created for themselves, and that’s hard.
The other major challenge is that, as bad as it seems on the outside, there is often love still active inside these relationships. So, there is hope that it will change.
It’s also just easier if things somehow work out because there’s less disruption in life.
On the other hand, ‘saving’ a relationship is also challenging. In order for things to get better, one or both people in the relationship have to change their behavior and often do some inner work…such as learning to love themselves, setting boundaries, owning their self-worth, learning that love is an action and not a feeling, and so on.
It can seem easier to leave and hope for better luck next time than to stay and try to make things better.
So, stay or go, the decision feels hard. And sometimes it even feels like there is no ‘right’ answer.
But there is a right answer for you.
I wish this were one of those times when I can give you handy tips and send you on your way, but it’s not that cut and dried this time.
One thing I can suggest is that you take a little time and try to decide if the changes to make it work or the changes that will happen if it doesn’t work scare you more.
And then, get in touch with me at heather@mindfulchange.com or call me at 613.601.1083, and we’ll set up a 30-minute discovery session. It’s free, and the recommendations will be specific to what’s going on with you.
We’ll probably not figure everything out in that 30 minutes, but you’ll leave the session with some ideas that are tailored just for you.
Next week we’ll talk about boundaries and handling conflict resolution. And I’ll have some handy tips for you that you can do on your own.
Here’s something to think about:
“If your life isn’t going too well, perhaps you should start hanging out with your future and stop hanging out with your past.”
~Unknown
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