This week I’d like to introduce you to Adam and Lisa – a couple whose relationship is in real trouble.
Adam just doesn’t know what to do anymore. He remembers the fun, laughter, and the great sex they had when he and Lisa met, but now, everything he says causes a fight. So, he tries not to talk at all.
His life is work and the kids’ soccer games and karate matches. Even when he and Lisa go to parties together, they’re not really together. He hangs with the guys and Lisa goes off with the ladies.
His sex life is non-existent unless you count the new hottie at his office that’s been flirting with him.
Adam wonders if he just made a huge mistake marrying Lisa. He really enjoys the attention and the spark between him and his new co-worker, and he really hates that he can’t do anything right at home with his wife.
It isn’t like Lisa is blind to the problems between them. She feels like there’s no longer an emotional connection. Between her job, taking care of the kids, and the constant fighting or complete silence, Lisa is more unfulfilled and unhappy than she’s ever been.
She misses an active sex life, too, but when Adam barely even speaks to her, she worries that he doesn’t love her anymore. And all that worry makes it almost impossible for her to be in the mood.
The single dad that talks to and listens to her at her daughter’s karate class has no problem getting her in the mood. She hasn’t acted on those feelings yet, but the temptation is growing.
Lisa is embarrassed to admit it, but she knows that she and Adam are both miserable…so miserable that a divorce might make them happier.
As you can see, they’re a deeply unhappy couple. Will they make it or will they divorce?
I’ll let you know in just a moment. But right now, I want you to know that couples like Adam and Lisa are pretty common.
In fact, during my 30-minute discovery sessions, I meet a lot of couples like them.
I meet so many couples having the exact same problems that many of my clients would think I shared their story with changed names if they read this email.
People get stuck in a vicious cycle of not communicating, pulling away, thinking that the other person pulling away means they fell out of love, withholding intimacy, pulling away further, fighting, and not listening.
Ultimately, that causes a relationship to land on the brink of failure. Sometimes it’s temptation that makes a partner realize that things are falling apart, sometimes it’s infidelity, and sometimes there’s just a point where they realize that both people are unhappy.
Regardless of how couples arrive at the point of realizing that something needs to change, one factor generally makes or breaks the relationship.
Do Adam and Lisa have that factor?
Well, Lisa and Adam aren’t clients or even people I know. They’re a made-up couple. But even if they aren’t real, the problems they have are very real for a lot of couples.
So, I’ll let you choose what happens to Adam and Lisa.
But for real people, the only consistent predictor of whether or not they’ll make it is this: Is the couple committed to finding a solution?
If the couple can find a reason and commit to it, they’ll make it almost every time. That’s true no matter how bad things are when they reach the ‘make it or break it’ point.
Now, sometimes couples need help-someone to act as a GPS that lets them navigate through intensely emotional conversations. After years of misunderstandings, physical and emotional withholding, and lots of pain, it can be challenging to have those talks alone.
When couples come to me, I help them talk from a place of love. We skip the name calling, learn to express anger and hurt without hurting the other person, and both people walk away at the end of our session knowing what to do that will help things get better.
If you or anyone you know is stuck in a relationship like Adam and Lisa, please feel free to get in touch with me at: heather@mindfulchange.com.
I don’t just work with people having relationship issues, though. We all get stuck at different places during our lives. So, next week, I’ll be blogging about what to do if you’re a business owner without enough clients.
If you’re not a business owner, don’t skip the next email. You might be surprised at how the advice I give business owners will help you in your personal life, too!
Before we say goodbye this week, I want to share the quote of the week with you:
“Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.” – Brené Brown